My Dopamine Receptors Are Fucked

They must be, because life has just felt totally crap of late. I am SO short tempered and fucking miserable. It’s been 11 days since I stopped eating sugary foods and life is definitely not in technicolour.

Sugar, over time, and as you eat more and more of it, has a similar effect on the brain to class A drugs. You need a bigger and bigger hit to get the same response because your dopamine receptors increase decrease in number to take up the additional dopamine reduce the take up of the additional dopamine produced when you enjoy a pleasurable chocolate bar (or line of coke). When you stop taking said substance, you have all these hardly any receptors and no surplus dopamine. While you wait for your extra receptors to wither away back receptors to grow back to normal numbers you feel like total crap. Which of course increases your desire for the said substance. Welcome to addiction.

Today we went out for lunch. Feeling totally disillusioned with my spectacularly average career and our total lack of money to buy a much needed bigger house for us and our three kiddos (we had spent some time this morning looking on rightmove to see what we could buy – nothing), I fully intended to eat a massive slice of glutenous cake and a giant hot chocolate with whipped cream.

When I actually got there however I was just so angry about my arthritis that I had a jacket potato and a decaf tea. Go me. I felt relieved I had avoided a stupid sugar binge, but still pissed off because, you know, no sugar.

I don’t know how long this is going to last, but the only thing keeping me clinging onto the straight and narrow is the teensy chance that I can heal my foot enough to run without totally fucking up the joint forever and ending up in a wheelchair or something at 50.

We came home and I moped around a bit more, wishing I could just scoff a massive pile of chocolate without it slowly destroying my body. And then I went for a run. And had a shower. I feel better, but still pissed off. Thank god for wine because I swear it is what I spend the day thinking of (dumb, right? Surely this is the path to addiction transferal I hear you say. Hopefully I am too much of a lightweight for that).

The career thing – eugh. I passed my eleven plus. I have a masters degree with distinction in software engineering. I am, as defined by society, clever. But in the workplace I am just not a leader. Although I could see what was going wrong and what was working in all the jobs I did, I was never enough of a personality to take the lead and make a difference.

Secretly, I want to be a writer – a proper writer. I probably always have. But I have so much in the way of daily distractions and overwhelm I can never fit the writing in that I want to do. It just seems like a totally unachievable dream.

I hope I break out of this funk soon, because I am not sure how long I can keep up the willpower.

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